


Present/Past

by sweetvoid



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst, Anniversary, Bar Owner Kuroo Tetsurou, Domestic Fluff, Grief/Mourning, Kuroo's got some issues, M/M, Married Couple, Married Kuroo Tetsurou/Tsukishima Kei, Writer Tsukishima Kei, Yaku is a good friend, i dont know how tags work honestly, i've never been good at this part lol, like the tiniest bit lol but its there
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-22
Updated: 2021-02-22
Packaged: 2021-03-19 08:27:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,363
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29623449
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sweetvoid/pseuds/sweetvoid
Summary: All Tetsurou wants is to make Kei happy.Unfortunately, life has different plans.
Relationships: Kuroo Tetsurou/Tsukishima Kei
Kudos: 32





	Present/Past

**Author's Note:**

> This is the first fic I've written in 5 years so I'm really proud of myself? I know I can write much better than I did here but the fact that I wrote anything at all is a huge accomplishment so I'm trying not to think too hard about it and just be happy that I created something!  
> Will it make sense to anyone but me? Who knows! Also I used their first names in this since they're married here and technically both "Kuroo" now! 
> 
> Anyway...enjoy?

“Good morning, Kei.” Tetsurou whispers into the stillness of their bedroom as he rolls out of bed. He knows that Kei won’t hear him, but he figures it’s the thought that counts. He picks up his phone to check the time; 6:20 A.M. There’s really no reason for him to be up this early. As the owner of a bar, his days tend to be short and his nights long. He’s been waking up earlier and earlier lately though, running on fumes from practically sleepless nights. He had gotten a little over two hours last night and decides to count that as a victory.

Pulling on a pair of dark red shorts, Tetsurou makes his way to the kitchen. Kei is always the one to take care of him, but Tetsurou decides that today he should make breakfast for them as a surprise. It is a special day for them after all, an anniversary of sorts, and he just wants to make Kei feel special. While he may not be the best chef, he’s sure the sentiment will be appreciated. Tetsurou had resolved a few days ago to attempt to replicate one of Kei’s favorite menu items from their favorite pancake restaurant in Tokyo. Getting the ingredients out for the strawberry cheesecake pancakes, he pauses in front of the fridge to look at the picture of them that adorned the front. It was from Kei’s college graduation; Tetsurou had his arm thrown around Kei’s shoulder and was beaming like an absolute idiot, while Kei stood relaxed under the weight of his arm with the smallest hint of a smile forming across his lips. It was one of Tetsurou’s favorite pictures of them, and he smiles to himself as he gets lost in the memory. That had been seven years ago already.

“Man, time is moving too fast.” Tetsurou mumbles to himself.

* * *

“Tetsu, why are you in the kitchen? You know you can’t cook.” Kei said with a smirk, walking out from their bedroom in an oversized white t-shirt and wiping the sleep out of his eyes.

“Tsukki! You wound me. I’m making breakfast for you!” Tetsurou grinned back.

Kei looked over at the counter covered with flour and the lumpy mess that Tetsurou was about to pour out onto the griddle. Grimacing, he walked over and took the bowl from his arms.

“No thank you. Let’s go out to eat, please.” Kei looked at the hurt expression on Tetsurou’s face and sighed, pressing a light kiss to his lips. “I love you, but this doesn’t even look like pancake mix anymore. And why is it green? Pancake mix should not be green. Did you put food coloring in it?”

Tetsurou peered into the bowl and cringed. “No…that just happened when I mixed the eggs in. I figured that was normal...”

“Okay, well this is inedible and I’m afraid we both might die if we eat it. So, let’s get dressed and just go out for breakfast, alright?” Kei set the bowl on the counter and wrapped his arms around Tetsurou’s neck, pressing another kiss to his lips. “And don’t be upset. I know you tried and that means more to me than you could imagine.”

“Tsu-,” he was quickly cut off before he could finish fawning over Kei’s surprisingly endearing statement.

“But you’d think a 31-year-old would know how to cook by this point.” Kei teased with a fond smile.

Tetsurou offered a sheepish grin in response. “Why would I bother learning to cook when my beautiful husband is so good at it though?” He nuzzled his face into the crook of Kei’s neck, leaving a quick kiss on his shoulder before pulling back and looking him in the eyes. “Happy anniversary, by the way.”

Kei’s eyes softened as he looked at the adoration evident on every inch of his husband’s face. “Happy anniversary, Tetsurou.”

* * *

“Where did the sun go?” Tetsurou grumbles as he stares up at the cloudy sky. If it rains today, he might just lose it. He turns to where Kei is resting under a beautiful oak tree and walks over to him. He lays down a blanket and sets up the two containers filled with pancakes. Sitting down in front of his husband, Tetsurou is filled with an intense burning in his heart, as if realizing for the first time how much he truly loves him. It was crazy to think that the rude, indifferent, and honestly unpleasant 15-year-old he’d first met at a volleyball practice game in Miyagi had become his husband 13 years later.

Tetsurou had learned early on in their relationship that Kei didn’t like to talk while eating. At first, it had driven them both crazy. Tetsurou couldn’t seem to shut up, annoying Kei. He would then ignore Tetsurou, annoying him in return. So, they had reached a compromise: no talking at breakfast was allowed, but at dinner it was fine. Tetsurou still broke their rule quite often, but he was convinced that Kei had secretly grown to love their one-sided breakfast conversations.

This morning though, it was not hard to control himself. He was an imperfect person and an imperfect husband. As much as he loved him, Tetsurou had always felt deep down that Kei deserved better. He could at least attempt to be perfect for a single day. So, breakfast was eaten in silence, just the way Kei liked, while Tetsurou got to bask in the simple beauty of his husband’s company.

* * *

The car ride back to their home was filled with the sounds of Tchaikovsky, Kei’s favorite composer. When they had first started getting to know each other, his husband’s love of classical music had been one of the most surprising discoveries to Tetsurou. But he had quickly come to the conclusion that it actually made a lot of sense. To him, classical music had always had a quiet yet grand feeling to it, much like Kei’s own presence.

Kei leaned over to turn the music down a little bit, glancing at Tetsurou.

“So, did you have anything else planned for the day?” he asked hesitantly.

“I left the bar in Yakkun’s hands for the night, so I’m all yours Tsukki! I’ll admit I don’t have anything planned after this, though. I feel like I should have been better prepared; it is our very first anniversary after all…” Tetsurou chewed on his bottom lip, contemplating. “Was there anything you would like to do?”

Kei didn’t answer at first. He looked at the road with a far-off look in his eyes. He eventually sighed and tilted his head towards Tetsurou.

“Please don’t hate me.”

Tetsurou felt his stomach drop.

“It’s nothing horrible!” Kei added quickly. “Sorry, that was probably concerning. You still might hate me though.”

“Just tell me, Tsukki.” Tetsurou said reassuringly.

Kei took a deep breath before continuing. “Well, it’s just that I know I haven’t had a lot of time for you lately because I’ve been spending so much time working on my latest book. It’s just that my editor has been really pushing me to get the next couple of chapters to him.”

Tetsurou glanced at his husband, a small smile on his lips. “It’s okay, Tsukki, I know-“

“I wasn’t done, Tetsurou.” Kei paused, sighing, before the next few sentences came tumbling out of his mouth nervously. “Sorry, that came out a bit harsh. I’m just under a lot of pressure with work, and I swear I was going to take today off to spend with you. It’s just that while we were at breakfast, I had a surge of inspiration and I can’t let it go to waste. So, I’m really, truly sorry but I’m going to need to spend some time writing when we get home.”

Tetsurou’s thoughts quickly went to the dark place that he liked to ignore; the place where anger, jealousy and possessiveness ran rampant. All he wanted was to spend a single day with his husband, without distraction. But of course, that had been too much to ask for.

He was being too quiet; Tetsurou knew he needed to say something, but he could feel the disappointment and hurt pooling in his stomach, and he didn’t want to fight, not on their anniversary. He willed himself to control it, to be the patient and understanding husband that Kei deserved.

“It’s okay, Kei. Whatever you need.”

Kei looked over, lips turned down in a slight frown. It was very evident that Tetsurou was not okay, but they both knew that wouldn’t change anything. They drove the rest of the way home in silence.

* * *

“Why are you here, Kuroo?” Yaku looks up as Tetsurou walks into The Moon, the bar that they co-own together. “Isn’t today…”

“Yeah, yeah it is.” Tetsurou waves his hand in front of his face, indicating that they will not be having this conversation.

“Are…you working?”

Tetsurou can hear the uncertainty and concern in Yaku’s voice.

“No, I just need a drink. Figured I might as well visit my own establishment,” he says while walking past Yaku, taking a seat at the very end of the bar.

“Are you sure drinking is a good idea?” Yaku asks hesitantly.

Tetsurou whips his head around to glare at Yaku.

Sighing, he grabs a glass and fills it with Tetsurou’s favorite beer. “Fine, but I’m cutting you off before it gets too bad.”

Tetsurou grumbles to himself, but he knows Yaku is just looking out for him.

“I wasn’t going to overdo it anyway, I promise.” he reassures, while taking the glass from Yaku’s hand.

* * *

“Tetsu, please come home.”

Tetsurou’s eyes would have been shooting daggers into Kei if he had been in front of him.

“I’m busy,” he spat into the phone.

“You’re not busy, you’re drunk.”

“Oh, so you’re allowed to do what you want on our anniversary, but I can’t do what I want?”

“Tetsurou, stop. You were the one who told me it was fine.” Kei spoke quietly.

“Yeah, well, guess what! It isn’t fine! It’s not something I should have had to spell out for you! I’m so sick of this, Kei. You never have time for us, and I try to be understanding but you couldn’t even take one day. Our fucking anniversary, no less.” Tetsurou knew he wasn’t being fair, but he had definitely had too much to drink and he couldn’t control his anger.

“Look Kei, I can’t do this right now-shit!” Tetsurou tripped and attempted to catch himself on a barstool but it just ended up falling with him. He’s sure Kei heard the crash as well as the string of profanities he let out proceeding the accident. He also knows that gave away just how drunk he really was, but he couldn’t bring himself to care in that moment.

“I’ve gotta go. Don’t wait up for me, I’m just gonna crash here or somethin’ so…” Tetsurou’s words got caught in his throat. He hadn’t wanted this. He wanted to be with his husband. But his anger had already won for the night and going home to Kei would only cause more problems.

“Okay.” Kei’s voice would have sounded stone cold to anyone else, but the slight waver didn’t go unnoticed by Tetsurou. He could feel his heart caving in on itself but just as he was about to say something, Kei hung up the phone without saying goodbye.

* * *

Tetsurou wakes up on the old leather couch situated in the corner of his office at the bar. He kicks off the green wool blanket covering him and groans at the throbbing pain he feels in his head as he moves to sit up.

“Cutting me off, my ass.” He grumbles. He stretches and walks over to his desk, noticing a bottle of water and some ibuprofen sitting on it. There’s a note resting under the water and Tetsurou picks it up, pinching the bridge of his nose as his eyes try to focus on the horrible handwriting.

_I know I said I’d cut you off, but I’m not responsible for what you do once I’m gone. Take some medicine and feel better. If you want to talk once you’ve sobered up a bit, just remember that I’m here for you. I’ll be back in the morning. Don’t be an idiot._

Tetsurou smiles softly at the note. The idea of talking to Yaku doesn’t seem completely unappealing, but he definitely needs to get rid of his pounding headache first, so he downs the ibuprofen and finishes the entire bottle of water in one go. Sitting down in the chair behind his desk, his eyes drift to the picture of Kei sitting next to his computer. It was a really beautiful shot of him from when they had visited the United States and gone to The Grand Canyon. Kei was smiling so brightly, the setting sun barely visible in the distance and illuminating his profile in the most perfect way.

Tetsurou buries his face in his hands and begins to sob.

* * *

The sound of a phone ringing grabbed Tetsurou’s attention. He blinked his eyes open slowly and squinted at the cell phone sitting directly next to his head. He wasn’t even entirely sure what time it was but it was still very dark outside. Glancing at his phone, he realized he didn’t know the number, so he decided to ignore it and laid his head back down. Just as the ringing stopped, it started right back up again. Groaning, he grabbed for it, clearing his throat before answering.

“Hello?” he mumbled.

“Is this Kuroo Tetsurou?” a woman’s voice came across the line.

“Uh…yeah? Who is this?”

“I apologize for the late-night call. My name is Officer Sasaki. I’m calling to inform you that there has been a report of a home invasion at your residence. Are you by chance in the area? We’d like to speak with you.”

Tetsurou shot up at that, instantly sobering up, adrenaline coursing through his veins.

“Where’s Kei?” his voice was strained. “My husband, he was at home. Or he should have been. Is he okay? Why didn’t he call me? Can I talk to him?”

There was a pause on the other end of the line.

“We identified a Kuroo Kei when we arrived on the scene. He’s been transported to Saiseikai Central Hospital.” 

It felt like all the air is had been knocked out of Tetsurou’s lungs. He couldn’t breathe. “Is he okay? He’s okay, right? He has to be okay, he-“ his voice broke and he could feel panic settling into his bones.

“Sir, I need you to try to calm down. Where are you right now?”

Tetsurou hung up without answering her question and ran out the back door. Saiseikai Hospital was only a 10-minute walk from the bar, and he knew he could make it even faster if he ran. He headed off as fast as he could possibly get his legs to move, making it there in a little over 5 minutes. He ran up to the receptionist desk in the ER, frazzled and probably looking like a mad man but he didn’t have time to care.

“Was there a Kuroo Kei admitted here? I’m Kuroo Tetsurou, his husband.” He asked, already pulling his ID out of his wallet for proof, so the receptionist simply took it and typed something into her computer.

“I don’t see a Kuroo Kei being admitted to the ER.”

“The police told me that this is where he was being brought. Um, from a home invasion a couple blocks over, I don’t know where else-“ he just looked at her helplessly and the woman sighed.

“Give me one moment.” She went back to typing on her computer, eyes widening for just a split second before she quickly regained her composure. She looked back up at Tetsurou, a small, forced smile on her lips. “Can you wait here for one moment?”

He nodded furiously and with that, she got up, whispering something to another receptionist before disappearing behind a door. Tetsurou tapped his foot nervously against the light blue linoleum flooring. It only took about three minutes for the receptionist to show up again, this time with a doctor in tow.

“Mr. Kuroo?” The doctor asked.

“Yes, uh yes. That’s me.” He stammered.

“If you wouldn’t mind following me? I’ll bring you to your husband.” The doctor gestured into the depths of the hospital.

“No, not at all.” Tetsurou followed the man behind the doors. They didn’t speak as they travelled through the halls of the hospital. An elevator ride and few turns later, they ended up outside a room that Tetsurou assumed Kei was waiting in. The doctor finally turned to meet Tetsurou’s gaze and sighed deeply.

“Mr. Kuroo, I’m afraid I have some bad news.”

The rest of the doctor’s words were a jumbled mess in Tetsurou’s brain. “Burglary gone wrong…” “shot in the back…” “blew through his spinal cord…” “dead on arrival…” “approximated 11:57 PM…” “I’m so sorry…”

He thought he was nodding along to everything the doctor was saying, but he wasn’t sure. He didn’t feel like he had control of his body anymore, kind of like he was having an out of body experience. He wondered if maybe he was dreaming. But then the doctor lead him into the room and he saw a white sheet and he didn’t want to but his hand reached out to pull it back and when he saw the face of the person he loved more than anything in the world lifeless beneath him, he knew that this was real. Even his worst nightmare couldn’t have conjured up the image in front of him. 

“Kei…” his voice was barely audible. “I should have been there, I should have been with you, this never would have happened. I’m supposed to protect you but…but I couldn’t even do that. I left you alone. This is all my fault…”

His voice broke and he fell to his knees, clenching his stomach and trying to hold back the bile that threatened to come up. Tears were building in his eyes and before he knew it he was a sobbing mess on the floor, curled up in a ball next to the bed where his husband stayed unmoving.

He wasn’t sure how much time had passed, but eventually there were people in the room, trying to move him. He couldn’t really register what was happening, just that he heard screaming, probably his own. He thought he reached out to Kei, not wanting to leave his husband. He faintly felt something sharp poking his arm, but he ignored it, tears blurring his vision and doing everything possible to stay next to the bed. Every cell in his body was on fire and before he knew it, everything went black.

* * *

Tetsurou hates remembering that night. He hates that he never got to tell Kei how sorry he was. He hates that their last conversation had been a fight. He hates that he was the reason Kei was dead. At least in his mind he was. He misses him more than he would have ever imagined possible, and there is absolutely nothing he can do to ease the pain.

“You know, drinking every night isn’t going to solve your problems, Kuroo.”

Tetsurou looks up to see Yaku standing in the doorway to his office.

“Yeah, I know,” he mumbles, averting his gaze. “Thanks, by the way. For the water and everything…”

“You know I’ve never pushed you to talk about it before, but it’s been a year now. You can’t just keep it all inside. He…I think he would be sad to see you like this.”

Tetsurou meets his friends gaze again, only to see that there are tears in his eyes. “Yaku…”

“You’re my best friend, alright? I care about you. A fucking lot. And seeing you like this is torture for every single person who loves you. We all want to help you; me, Kenma, Bokuto…everyone. But you have to let us in first, Kuroo.”

Tetsurou stares at Yaku, eyes wide and ready to burst out into tears at any second again. He isn’t sure his voice will work so he just nods dumbly, blinking away his tears.

Yaku smiles gently at him. “Whenever you’re ready, I’ll be here, alright?”

Tetsurou nods again. “Thank you. Really, I mean it. I’ll try to be better about letting you all in. But there’s someone I need to talk to first.”

He gets up, picking up his wallet and phone, and makes his way out the door. Yaku pats him on the back on his way out, a gentle reminder that he indeed isn’t alone.

* * *

Tetsurou was standing in front of the headstone. The funeral had ended hours ago, but he couldn’t make himself leave. The sun was shining down on him, but under the shade of the oak tree that Kei had been buried next to, it wasn’t so bad. He knew that people would normally talk to the dead in circumstances like this, but the words just wouldn’t come. He didn’t see the point anyway; it’s not like Kei could hear him. He doubted he’d want to hear his voice anyway.

So he just stood there in silence, the hours slipping by, until eventually a guard came up to tell him the cemetery was closing, and he’d need to leave. He had repeated this process every day for the next two weeks; never saying anything, just sitting next to Kei’s grave. He didn’t know what he was doing, really. All he knew was that this was the closest he’d ever get to being by his husband’s side again and he never wanted to leave.

Eventually life had to go on. There was work to be done, a house to keep up with, friends and family to fool into thinking he was okay. Though he supposed he was probably doing a poor job of the last one, if the looks they gave him were anything to go by. His daily visits eventually had to turn into weekly ones, and the separation made his entire body ache. The days felt more like years and Tetsurou felt like the hurt would never end. But he spent the next year visiting Kei’s grave any chance he got; he still hadn’t said anything and by this point he was afraid to. How could he face Kei when he couldn’t even face himself?

* * *

After buying a bundle of sunflowers from the stand in front of the cemetery, Tetsurou finds himself standing in front of the grave that had become like a second home to him over the past year. He places the flowers on the headstone, sits down in front of it and takes a deep breath.

“Hey Kei,” he gets out shakily. “Um. It’s nice to see you. I’m sorry I haven’t said anything until now. I guess…I don’t know. I guess I just never knew what to say. I never knew how to express how sorry I was, how sorry I still am. I hope you know that I’ve been here with you, though. Every chance I get, I’m here. I hope you haven’t gotten sick of me.” He continues, letting out a weak laugh. “I wish I could tell you that I’ve been good. But I haven’t. I miss you so much. The only way I can stand being in our house anymore is if I’m so drunk that I can’t feel anything. I just end up sleeping at the bar most nights now.”

He pauses and tries to control both his breathing and the tears slowly making their way down his cheeks.

“People have told me I should try to move on, but I don’t think I could ever feel the same way about anyone as I do about you. I could never marry anyone else; be a husband to anyone but you. I love you more than anything and even then…even then I still couldn’t protect you. I don’t know how to forgive myself, Kei. I can’t forgive myself when I don’t know if you’ve forgiven me. But I’ll never be able to know…” his voice breaks and he lightly thumps the headstone with his fist. His tears are coming in full force now and he knows there’s no point in trying to stop them. He leans his forehead against the headstone, and unfurling his fist, traces the outline of his husband’s name with his fingers. “I should have been there. I made a vow to never leave you, to be there for you, and when it mattered most…I wasn’t. What kind of shitty husband am I?”

“This is so hard, Kei.” he whimpers. “I’m so sorry. I miss you so much. I love you. I’ll never stop loving you. Please…please forgive me…”

And he just sits there once again, crying until there are no tears left. When he finally looks up again, he sees the sky has turned into an array of pinks and oranges and Tetsurou can’t believe how long he’s been there already. He knows this isn’t closure. Closure is kind of impossible with death. He’ll never hear Kei say “I forgive you” or anything else, ever again. But he does know his husband. He smiles down at the wedding band on his left hand. He knows his husband, and he knows that, despite everything, they loved each other. And because he knows this, he knows that Kei would forgive him if he could. For the first time in his life, Tetsurou finds himself hoping that there’s an afterlife. A place where Kei is happy, smiling, and waiting for Tetsurou with open arms. And while it may take a long time, Tetsurou hopes that place is real and that he can spend eternity at home with the love of his life.

“I’ll be back, alright Tsukki? And no more silence. I promise.” He smiles at the headstone and turns away, finally feeling at least a little more at peace than he had that entire year.

_Kuroo Kei_

_27.09.1996-17.05.2026_

**Author's Note:**

> Okay so if you didn't get it...the idea was you were supposed to realize around the time that Yaku meets Kuroo in his office (or earlier lol) that the story was alternating between the present and the past; the same date, just a year apart. But also I realize it might have been confusing. I thought the concept was cool but I don't know if worked in execution so let me know lol


End file.
